Grief and ways to get through it

Recently a friend of mine has gone through something very stressful that happens to some women...she had a miscarriage.

As I have gone through this myself I know what the range of emotions are and how hard it can be do deal with. There really isn't much that I can do or say to comfort her other than that I am praying for her and that she isn't alone. It brings back all of the feelings for me also and makes me sad but I would never give up the kids that I have for anything!

Remember: the bad times will pass...

"The tragedies that now blacken and darken the very air of heaven for us will sink into their places in a scheme so august, so magnificent, so joyful, that we shall laugh for wonder and delight."

Arthur Christopher Bacon

The above will happen as your grief heals.

Grief

Grief is something that everyone will experience at one time or another during their lifetime.

When a person experiences the loss of someone they love, either through divorce or death, they are forced to deal with grief. When a loss occurs, most of us are unprepared for how to handle it, especially if we have never had to deal with it before. Even if we have, it is still traumatic each time.

There is a lot to learn about grief, especially the necessity of grieving a loss. Some people don't allow themselves to grieve - they hold it in, only to have it negatively affect them for the rest of their lives. Some people tend to wallow in their grief for too long, unable to adjust. Although the grieving process is different for each individual, it is imperative that grief be worked through so that you can come out on the other side of it and get on with your life. Life does go on, so we may as well live it to the fullest when all is said and done.

Stage 1: Denial - The first reaction to a loss is Denial.

You tell yourself that it isn't happening. You tell yourself that your spouse will come back to you. With a divorce, you think that he / she is just going through a phase or mid-life crisis and will come to their senses.

Stage 2: Anger - Anger comes as you begin to accept reality.

Expressing anger is a sign that you are beginning to deal with your loss. If anger isn't expressed, it will make you bitter and hamper your recovery. It is important not to bury your anger, and it is important to express all of your anger before you try to forgive that person. Warning - Anger must be expressed appropriately, not recklessly.

Most importantly - do not take your anger out on anyone in an unhealthy manner.

Stage 3: Bargaining - Bargaining is trying to get them back.

Reaching the bargaining stage shows that you have begun to face the fact that the relationship is ending. You are past the denial stage. This is a necessary stage, and it helps you to look at what caused the problems in the first place.

Stage 4:Depression - Depression is an inevitable part of loss.

It comes during the anger stage, and the bargaining stage, and in the letting go stage. It can come at any stage, actually. It is characterized by many of the symptoms listed in the Symptoms of Grief. Depression is normal. It may last longer in some people than in others. Emotionally healthy people won't be depressed as long as emotionally unhealthy people or people who came from dysfunctional homes who haven't dealt with childhood issues. It is perfectly okay to seek help from a physician and take antidepressants for a time until you are better able to handle your grief. If you feel that your depression is lasting too long, you may benefit from the help of a therapist. Never be ashamed of taking medication or seeking professional help when you are grieving. Never be ashamed at seeking professional help. When you no longer need the antidepressants, you will know and end your treatment under your doctor's guidance. During the depression phase, you will cry a lot. Crying is normal, and tears are healing. Let yourself cry when you feel like it. If you cry constantly, everywhere, and it goes on for months and months, you probably need to seek medical help. Antidepressants will help you deal with severe grief.

Stage 5: Acceptance - Acceptance means that you have reached the final stage.

When you have worked through all of the other stages, you will come to acceptance. You accept that everything happens for a reason. You may not see why yet, but you accept that it happened. You will see that you were married to this person for a time for a reason, but that it is now over. You will realize that it is final, and you are ready to get on with your life. In a divorce, you will come to realize that everything happened for the best, and that your life does have meaning. You will begin to feel free from the pain and the hurt. You will be finished with your grieving. You are ready to move on to a new life and let the other life remain in the past. You will be able to remember the good as well as the bad.



Additional Stages

There are a few more stages that you might go through, so be aware that they are also a natural and normal part of grieving.

Shock and Numbness During this phase you don't register any feelings. You know it has happened intellectually, yet emotionally it hasn't registered yet. You go about your daily routines and tasks like a robot, showing very little emotion for days, or maybe a few weeks. You may even wonder why you aren't feeling bad yet. You aren't able to cry much, or any.

Guilt

It is important to recognize this as a stage, too. It is normal and natural to feel guilty, both for things you did, and for things you didn't do. Don't beat yourself up too much. Everyone makes mistakes, and nobody is perfect. You may feel guilty for things you said in anger, or for things that you could have said but didn't. Those things are a part of life, and nobody is perfect. Just remember that you did the best you could do at the time.

Letting Go

Letting Go is the beginning of the end. When the bargaining has failed, and you realize they are gone, you have to learn to let go. This isn't easy, but it must be done in your own time. You enter a different type of depression which makes you feel that your life is over. You wonder about you are worth, what you are here for, what will you do with the rest of your life. You feel all alone and think you will be alone for the rest of your life. This is a dangerous stage in which some people tend to give up, or even contemplate suicide. It is important to remember that you will get past this. Just knowing about this stage helps. You can be prepared by knowing that this is a typical stage, and that you will pass through it. It is a necessary stage. If you don't let go, you will hold on to an unrealistic dream for the rest of you life.

Forgiveness (And the most difficult for many people)

Forgiveness is a necessary part of healing. It is also a process. You can make up your mind that you need to forgive, but it sometimes isn't easy and it may take quite a while to completely forgive the other person. Don't try to forgive too soon in your grief process. You have go go through the anger and the guilt and work through both thoroughly before you can forgive. You have to forgive both yourself and your spouse in order to heal. You have to forgive in order for you to heal. Do it for yourself, not for the other person. Forgiveness is very freeing, and it is necessary in order for you to get on with your life without carrying nasty baggage with you.